DARK DAD

Let's start this off right. I'm supposed to introduce myself to you. I'm not sure that's the best plan since after people meet me they usually hate me. Seriously, the day I was born the doctor looked down at me and told my mother this kid is going to be a huge disappointment. My mother, being the sweet and kind woman she is, looked him right and the eye and said "You couldn't be more right.....I was hoping for a girl. Can you pass me that cigarette" 

I should have known what was in store for me the day my father decided to acknowledge my existence at the age of 6. He came into my room, sat next to me and said "today kid (he never admitted I was his son) is the day you are going to learn what it means to be a man. After he unchained me and led me from the cell .... I mean my room, I started my new and exciting career. I didn't understand exactly why the goats needed their scrotums shaved but I was just glad to not be hanging upside down anymore. 

It was a few years later when I stumbled into a school thinking it was a bar for midgets. After ordering a drink from the wench with the ruler I was told I needed to attend this institution of learning or my parents would be put in jail. Even though that sounded just fine to me I decided to stay and check this place out. I was intrigued by all the kids running around the building with actual clothes on. As I looked down at my tattered paper clothing comprised mostly of unpaid bills stitched together with tears I had an epiphany. It was there in that hallway the heavens opened up, trumpets played and I came to the blinding conclusion my parents were two of the biggest assholes this side of Lake Michigan. Years later I found out this revelation wasn't so unusual but it still was a profound moment in my life. I found myself standing tall with a glimmer of hope in my eye as I walked home barefoot in the rain with my "clothes" melting off my body with every new raindrop. I knew I had a purpose in life and that purpose was to find a way to be the biggest jerk this world has ever seen. I was going to see the fault in everything everyone ever did. First thing, of course, was to head straight home and burn that sucker down. Unfortunately the rain hindered those plans so I decided turning my parents in for not paying taxes on all the marijuana they were selling illegally would do the trick.  

School was hard......or I should say it was hard to sleep in school with the teacher talking all the time but I did learn quickly that enough cough syrup can make any hard surface comfortable. There was one aspect of school I did like though, art. I'm not sure if it was all the drugs my mom did when she was pregnant or the lack of oxygen to my brain when my "father" tried to strangle me with my own umbilical cord or just the fact I wasn't very bright that made it so easy for me to let my mind go and really delve into my artistic endeavors. The rest as they say is history.